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Comment by MrQuinn on October 23, 2011 at 12:34pm

Comment by MrQuinn on October 23, 2011 at 12:24pm

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said."He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right."

Comment by MonaLisa on October 1, 2011 at 8:19pm

I love unpolitical correct people! If you can't take a joke well ...

Comment by Kemosobe on September 28, 2011 at 8:34am

Kemosobe's rules.

Comment by Kemosobe on September 28, 2011 at 8:33am

1. It is all I can eat! Well it is isn't it!?

2. Suck it like you stole it.

  3. If my balls itch, they're going to get scratched. And they're not going to scratch themselves.

4. If I fart and make a joke about it, you laugh. Failure to do so will result in me conguring up a fart that is spawn from the bowels of hell.

  5. During the football season, you may or may not totally have my attention.

  6. I don't ride bitch. It is biologically impossible. Consider where my hands would have to be.

  7. Anything sexual that I say is to be considered only as a joke, unless you're as horny as I am.

  8. The subject of love can't be brought up during pillow talk. Failure to do so will result in me engaging in what I love...Oral!

  9. My morning mood is better with coffee. So have me coffee, or a reason to stay in bed.

  10. Anything I say has a shelf life of 24hrs. If you insist on reminding me about what I said a week ago, I don't remember it.

11. The zipper on my pants is to help to keep my package in. Your zipper is to make it easier to get your pants off.

  12. We sleep nude! If you have a problem with this rule go back to rule #1.

  13. I gotta have oral sex plenty and often. In fact, I'm "hard to swallow" right now!

14. If I tell you to shut your mouth, that means that your suppose to hold it open for me.

  15. I want my lady to be bald! End of discussion.

  16.You shop at,"Bed,Bath, and beyond the back seat". I shop at,"Hooters".

--Kemosobe

Comment by Munkey on September 28, 2011 at 2:59am

An old biker rumbles up to a convenience store at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks by the cashier bitching to himself about getting woke up and having to pick up tampons at this god forsaken hour. The old biker disappears down the center aisle and reappears a few minutes later carrying a bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. The cashier having heard his grumbling starts to ring him up and says, "I know it's none of my business, but I overheard you talking about tampons when you came in, they are about half way down isle 2 if you missed them." The old biker stares at him a moment and replies, "Well, last week I sent my ol' lady out for some smokes and she came back with ziz zags and tobacco, by God, that fucking bitch can roll her own too."

Comment by Munkey on September 28, 2011 at 2:57am

Little Jim, the biker, goes into a bar and sits down for a drink. While knocking back a tall one, he notices a sign on the wall. The sign states “Anyone that can make the donkey laugh gets $200”. Little Jim, intrigued, asked the bar owner “What’s up with the sign?” The bar owner explained, I bought this donkey 5 years ago and all he does is eat, sleep and crap. He won’t leave his stall, he won’t do anything, so I decided to post this sign.

Little Jim asked where the donkey was & headed towards its stall. He returns a few minutes later and in the background you can hear the donkey laughing hysterically. Little Jim walked up to the bar owner and held out his right hand. The bar owner handed him the $200 and Little Jim took off out the door without a word.

A year went by and the bar owner got tired of listening to the donkey laugh so he put up another sign “Anyone that can make the donkey cry gets $200”. A few months went by and one day in walks Little Jim plops down on a bar stool and orders a beer. Noticing the new sign he stands up, heads out to the stall & returns back to finish his beer. In the background you could hear the donkey, sobbing and bellowing.

Little Jim finished his beer in one chug and walked to the bar owner holding out his right hand. The bar owner looked at Little Jim and said “Not so fast, how did you do that”. Little Jim said “For another beer, I’ll tell ya” The bar owner agreed and Little Jim continued “The first time I went in, I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!”

Comment by Munkey on September 28, 2011 at 2:55am

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, adverb, noun, adjective

Examples:

Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud "I got fucked by the Harley dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck all those clowns on capitol hill!"
It can be paternal "What do you mean I'm a fucking father?"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...

"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic

"She will never fucking know."
- Jessie James

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein

"It does fucking so, look like her!"
- Picasso

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

"So what if it's fucking swamp land, don't you have any fucking vision."
- Walt Disney

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah

Comment by Munkey on September 28, 2011 at 2:52am

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' '' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave. Shortly ,after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday, buddy!'' Rednecks know how to git-R-done!!!

Comment by Biker6404 on September 27, 2011 at 12:49pm

Warning: These jokes may offend you....if so, too bad.
____________________________________________________

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
____________________________________________________

Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
____________________________________________________

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
____________________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
______________________________________________________

* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
____________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

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